Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Yes, I'm a Schmuck

Yet another work trip to Flagstaff. I should buy a house there. The highlight was going for an after-work road ride with Amy. Plus, I was happy to see her dog, Bean Sprout, for the first time in quite a few months. Sprouty is the ultimate dog, smart and sweet, and she loves me.
My heart was greatly buoyed
when I saw sweet Sprout
and how she was overjoyed
to smell my crotch with her snout

Amy did crush my spirit on the ride. I can usually out muscle her on climbs, but this time I spent all my energy keeping my tongue out of the spokes trying to hang on to her wheel. To add a bit of salt to my bleeding ego, she had already done a running/swimming brick earlier in the day and this was an easy social ride. I did get her on the downhill on the return leg of the ride. It was my superior bike (and maybe an extra 40 pounds in body weight?), descending skills (ok, 50 pounds?), and leg strength (55 pounds?). Actually, she has gotten a lot stronger so kudos to her (@#*&%@#).

Enough whining. At lunch, I was reading some news headlines on Yahoo, and was struck by two in particular. The first headline read "Stupid Flies Live Longer". It was followed by "Dutch Man Injures Posterior in Mooning Incident". I looked back upon my life and realized at the rate I am going for "stupid" incidents, I may live forever. This would also make a great "tell-all" book about the incident. "RED MOON in the NETHERLANDS". A chilling tale of ass cracks and broken glass.
I am also thinking of of patenting and selling a new product guaranteed to increase any person's life span. A small hammer. "Hi! Billy Mays here with an exciting new product. Scientists have shown that stupid people live longer. And, until now, the prohibitive cost of stupidity has only allowed people like Paris Hilton to live longer. But now there is a product for people like you. The GQ37 LifeSpan Extender. This simple product will add years to your life and it's easy to use. Watch how by applying the blunt end of the GQ37 LifeSpan Extender to your head in short, repeated motions adds years of pleasurable living to your active life style. Plus, you can build up those biceps and triceps at the same time. The head is made of the finest carbon steel which is specially hardened to give it strength and many years of use. The wooden handle is made from Terra Fuegan oak, especially chosen for its beauty. If you are within the first 150 people to call, we'll throw in a second GQ37 LifeSpan Extender at absolutely no extra charge." ad naseum.....

It looks like my secret identity has finally been discovered:


Anna said...

The sign is fabulous! Who is Amy? And why do you love her dog?

Anna said...

I also think you need to provide a link to http://www.teamschmuck.com/. I think you could earn an honorary membership.