Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Two Hot Tomaters, Salmonella, Value Meals, Happy B-Day Ma, and Do I Have the Legs to Wear This Dress?

Amidst the news items today, two headlines caught my eye in particular. "Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain are study in contrast" followed by several headlines refering to the tomato salmonella scare.

The "potential" first lady headline had me laughing because a following sub-title stated that the difference between their husbands was even greater. Gee. You think so? I get confused differentiating between the candidates every time I see or hear them. I promised myself I would never use this blog as a political forum, but this is how the article started:

Obama, wife of Democratic candidate Barack Obama, and McCain, who is married to Republican John McCain, are both known for an elegant sense of style, lending glamour to their husbands' campaigns.
McCain posed in size zero jeans for the latest issue of Vogue. Obama, who has also appeared in the fashion magazine, was praised by style writers for the violet sheath dress she wore to her husband's Democratic nomination victory rally and has been compared to former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy.

It's seems to be normal journalism these days to compare the sartorial sense of women before getting into real issues; their positions on policy, etc... I pray for the day when an article on the differences between Obama and McCain will start off with:

Mr. Obama was stunning in his well fitting gray Armani suit. Mr McCain suffered a slight fashion faux-pas when the pant legs of his Men's Wearhouse suit were cut a bit short revealing mismatched socks. However, his wonderful tie and shirt combination allow us to forgive this slight miscalculation on his part.

Plus, what's up with the "lending glamour to their campaigns" line? Does that mean they can take the glamour back at any time? What are the terms of this loan? As voters I think we need to know the interest rate on this loan...or...maybe not....

"Okay, for two days of glamour in Indiana, you pumice my corns. For a day in Louisiana, you add, 'Yes Mistress' to everything you say to me. Otherwise you are on your own and you know I make you look good!"

Maybe I am just a bit jealous because I no longer fit into my size zero Calvin Klein's . I know at one time I was much smaller than I currently am because years ago, while dressing in the dark, I inadvertently put on Kelly's jeans and was almost to the office before I realized my mistake. They did seem a little tight in the ankle and my co-workers thought they made my butt look big. My kids are still wondering about that incident (and also the one with the dress. Hey it was an accident! But I do admit to a wonderful feeling of freedom).

But speaking of hot tomatoes, there seems to be another outbreak of food poisoning. This issue stands out because Chuck, Marilyn, and Amy are suffering from gastro-intestinal malaise brought on by bad food. So in their honor.

After praying to a porcelain god
one has thoughts that can be odd
Especially as one does choke
On an undercooked fried egg yolk
What exactly are nature's laws?
Are they effect or are they cause?
All I know as I clench my buns,
it's not only yolks that get the runs.


In the soft early morn's gloaming
are the sounds of somebody moaning
for bad whipped creams
leaves one, it seems
at the porcelain god's altar atoning

Yes I know I used porcelain god twice, but I am just happy to know how to spell it. It reminds me of porcine which is one of my favorite words. Use as an adjuective and you will feel better. You cannot say, "I play in a porcelain porcine polka band" without smiling. Use it to an insult. "Excuse me sir, but your porcine eating habits are leading me to feel ill." I just wish I knew what it means.

If you feel like an underachiever (as I do quite often), visit Anna's blog at Value Meals on the Volga. I guarantee you will feel more like a slacker than ever. But it is a great read. I am amazed at how much she accomplishes. An inspiration (and one of the reasons you get to read this blog).

Last, but not least, Happy Birthday Ma!!! You've been gone 33 years and I still miss you!!!

Now, please excuse me. I have some tomatoes to eat.


Anna said...

Now you have given new meaning to who wears the pants in your family.

Thanks for the kudos! I can't wait for my "vacation" in Casper, Wyoming!!!!

Frank said...

I wear the pants, unfortunately they are not always my own.